Thursday, December 23, 2004

It's a lonely world and life is kickin' the shit out of me. Tomorrow will be my one year blog anniversary. I'll be on the road, from Sacramento to Phoenix to see my mother, which I haven't been able to do in the last six years... about 3 of which I've been married. This morning I woke up before my wife, which is unusual because she works in an office across town (her earnings are a state secret) and I'm currently a bum (as in out of work, but other variations on the definition may apply.)

As usual, she is offended that I breath... this morning taking the perspective of me not thinking to put some tea on for her... my lame defense is that it is not my habit to do and on the rare occasions I might find myself in a similar situation I'm not likely to develop the habit... not that I wouldn't make the effort to develop the habit except I know it would serve no purpose... she can always find something about me offensive.

So this afternoon, once my wife gets home, I have about a 12 hour drive ahead of me. It will be interesting to see how my wife and her teenage son mix with the family surrounding my mom and her husband.

Being an anniversary, I guess I should ask myself... did I have anything worthwhile to say? Well, who the hell am I? Why would anybody care what I have to say?

To be fair, I've met a few nice people by way of this blog. I like people and I'm generous with my feelings toward them. But the truth is, I'm emotionally isolated and don't see that changing much in the near future. I think people (and with few exceptions, all) have the capacity for depth, but mostly they all swim at the shallow end of the pool. So in that sense I've got plenty of company in my loneliness. There's a great deal of fear in the world and it's not all unjustified. I've tried to face my fears, but the results have been less than I would desire.

So this is the end of Paradox... and may god have mercy on my soul.

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